Four Years Ago, I Kissed My Son...

Four years…four years ago today I kissed our son as I left our house to head to work and he headed to feed cattle.   It was a Thursday and Nash had plans to stay with two different friends – one on Thursday and one on Friday.  We didn’t normally let the kids have two consecutive sleepovers, but summer was winding down and the kids were basking in the last few days of summer break, so I happily sent him on his way.  Had I only known what was going to transpire over the next 36 hours, I would have stopped and stared as I watched him walk out the door to go feed cattle.  I would have paused to take in the beautiful sight of him walking carefree through our house.  I would have hugged him a little tighter knowing that everything in his 12-year-old world was about to change forever.  Most of all, I would have told him to come home the next day and not leave the house again.  I would have somehow changed the trajectory of our life.  I would have moved mountains to protect him from the future that was awaiting him.  I would have spared us all from the heartache that was waiting around the corner.  If only I had known what was going to transpire…if only… 

I have relived that day over and over and over in my mind a million times.  I have tried to make sense of it, I have tried to will time to reverse so I could fix it, I have tried to make peace with it, but most of all, I have tried to forgive myself for it.  I have lived with an unexplainable guilt for the past four years.  Guilt that I let him go that Friday, guilt that I wasn’t there when it happened and he rode in an ambulance all alone, guilt that I couldn’t take his pain away, guilt that I couldn’t magically make him walk again, guilt that in the aftermath of the accident Mac was left to sort it out without me, guilt that she was scared and I wasn’t there to comfort her, guilt that her world changed and I couldn’t fix that for her, guilt that she had to grow up so quickly as we navigated a new life.  The largest of them all, guilt that I didn’t ask simple questions about the house Nash was going to that possibly could have saved him from this situation.  Guilt, guilt, guilt.  Guilt has eaten at me – to the point that over the course of the last four years, I have had a recurring dream that we had medicine to make Nash walk unassisted, but I lost it.  I have woken up many, many nights standing in front of the medicine cabinet with all the medication bottles strewn out on the counter as I frantically tried to find the magic walking pill in my sleep.  I am Nash and Mac’s mom – I am the person that is supposed to protect them – and somehow, I failed.  I have spent the last four years carrying the burden and weight of what happened like a lead vest on my heart. If only I had known what was going to transpire…if only…

This morning as I got ready, I fought hard to hold back the tears.  I fought hard to hold back the pain in my heart saying, “if only I had known”.  I fought back the feelings of anger as I thought about all that our kids have gone through.  I fought through sadness as I thought through all that we have faced over the past 4 years.  I fell apart this morning…and then I pulled myself together and walked out into our living room to be greeted with Nash’s huge, beaming smile as he cheerfully yelled to me, “what’s up, Big Cat?” (I have no idea why he calls me that, but it sure makes my heart smile when he does) In that moment, it all felt better – even if only for a second.  Suddenly, the student became the teacher again as I thought about the guilt, sadness, anger and self-pity I had just worked through while he was going on about his day with a heart full of joy.  I know he has his hard moments (we all do), but I had to pause and think about the lessons I can take from both he and Mac - their resilience, joy and thirst for life.  They have taken every single moment – the good and the bad – and rolled with it.  They have simply kept on smiling.   

It was at that moment that I decided it was time to move on from the guilt and free myself of that burden.  If Nash and Mac don’t hold resentment towards my heart, I would say that it’s time to allow myself the same grace.  I set a new goal today, to free myself of guilt that I never earned or deserved.  I will allow myself to feel the emotions of what has happened, but the guilt is no longer allowed to creep in as I reflect on our journey.  So – as always – I would ask you what guilt you may be carrying today that you could work on freeing yourself from?  Maybe, just maybe, next year at this time we could discuss how much lighter we both feel without the weight of it on our hearts.  Whatever weight you may be carrying, I will be praying for you as you work to free yourself!